My Therapy

Through a window, it looks perfect. 

Perfect House ~ check

Perfect Family ~ check

Perfect Marriage ~ check

So why doesn't it feel perfect?  I am working from home today because I can't stop crying.  I feel so stupid, really.  What is wrong with me?  PMS?  no.  Then what??  I really don't know.  I think it's just one of those days.

Perfect House
I love our house.  I just wish the basement was finished and we were done with that mess.  I can't wait to watch a movie in our movie room.  I can't wait to go down to my sewing room.  I can't wait to send the boys downstairs when they have sleepovers and there can be sleeping bags and all sorts of things strewn around the living area down there.  Instead of Taite's room having his queen size bed and two queen sized air mattresses squeezed into his room for a sleepover.

Perfect Family
Our immediate family is perfect (well, most days that is).  Brayton is not liking basketball and I am uncertain about letting him quit.  At DV if they don't start playing as early as can be (like kindergarten) then they won't be worth anything later.  My fear is that Brayton won't play this year and will regret it when he is older, but then again, I'm talking about a 3rd grader.  His favorite things are made up football games that he's played in his head.  Not even on the Wii.  You see it's like the Kenny Roger's song "The Greatest".  Brayton is the best quarterback, running back, punter, wide receiver the game has ever seen.  Isn't that what being 8 is about?  Living in a fantasy life?  He hit home this morning when I was talking to him about basketball and he said "you're saying I have to play basketball".  Guess I need to talk to him after school to admit that he's smarter than I am sometimes. 

Does anyone else have problems with Daylight Savings weekends??  I really don't like them just because of what they turn our boys into.  They aren't happy, rested, easy-going boys.  Yesterday it was so beautiful that I suggested we walk to the park so the guys could practice basketball.  It didn't go well and I know it's because of the lack of sleep.  All 3 were frustrated when we came home. . .

Perfect Marriage
I know that Chris and I are different.  Special.  There aren't many other couples who could be married for 12 1/2 years and have worked together for 7 or so of those years.  We've figured things out, we are each others' best friend.  I'm scared.  Chris shares his concerns with me about my happiness.  I can't voice my fears for fear that it will come true.  You see, I'm afraid that our perfectness cannot go on forever and something will happen to Chris and I will be alone.  I'm strong enough I'm sure I can handle the boys and surviving.  It's actually living that I would have trouble with.  Jane's daughter, Ericka, recently lost a good friend who was very young.  Her and her husband did not have kids.  She was his world and he is devastated.  I know the boys would keep me going day to day, but I, too, would be devastated.  I know I'm getting caught up in a lot of "what if's", but Chris does a lot of traveling and it's always my fear that something could happen.  I didn't used to be this type of person, but moving away from family and being treated differently after the move really makes you think about what is truly dear to you and your heart.  It also makes you think about "what would I do. . . "  I don't have the close friends nearby anymore to rely on.  I've met plenty of people, but no true friends yet.  So, I pray.  I pray that God will be with Chris as he travels and he will return home safely to me.  After all, it was obviously his hand that made sure we met oh so many years ago.
 
So I trudge on in my daily activities, thinking these thoughts, crying a little and knowing things will get better (because it's all in my head).  In fact in about an hour Chris will probably come home for lunch and put all my fears aside because he will recognize that I am upset and that is why I am "doing laundry" at home today.  And so, instead of curling up in bed to lose myself in a book, I will, in fact, fold the laundry on this beautiful sunny day.